Mania

I’ve moved house 7 times in 10 years, from one part of Sheffield to another, twice, to Annan, the North Rhinns, Ayrshire, Darlington and now Stranraer. During those years I’ve also joined 3 different political parties, signed up for CND numerous times before leaving in a huff, bought a second car during lockdown when we weren’t allowed to drive anywhere and written 4 books, all of which I self-published. I had several copies of all 4 printed and then threw them all away because I decided they were no good and didn’t deserve to be read by anybody else. I’ve also been self-employed as a bookseller (twice), freelance welfare rights worker and badge maker. Luckily, I’m now in receipt of a state pension so there’s no need to throw away yet more money on such daft projects, but the crazes, crushes and restless nights continue as ever.

Hypomania is the excitable side of bipolar disorder. I’ve had the suicidal depressions before as well, but medication has more or less kept them at bay for the last 16 years. Truthfully, the biggest fear in all of those house moves was that a new GP would take me off my pills and cause the depression to return; it would be madness to take that risk again. Besides, I think my long-suffering partner would put her foot down very firmly if I suggested doing so, and rightly so – she cried quietly for weeks when we left Scotland the last time. Being over-stimulated can be difficult but it’s a breeze compared to being in such extreme misery that you get as far as planning your own death.

Mental illness isn’t something to brag about, but it’s not been anything that’s needed to be hidden either. People have tended to be much more open about their diagnoses, till now, that is. I’m fortunate enough to be past working age so I don’t need to worry about out-of-work benefits, unlike millions of other poor souls who are now being targeted for criticism and punishment. Taking benefit entitlement away has been described by the British Prime Minister as a moral thing to do, which is just the same as saying that truth = lies, up = down, kindness = evil and all the other shite that’s become the new normal in the Age of Twitter & Right Wing Madness. The mentally ill are – according to the government – trapped in a circle of dependency. What they need, so we’re told, is to be trained up and mentored so they can fill all those jobs out there that are somehow magically going to be provided by employers who aren’t worried about their new staff having to take months off with depression, anxiety or psychiatric disorders.

This is bullshit, obviously. The point of the new policy isn’t to be kind or supportive but to save lots of money by taking it away from sick claimants and pushing them onto the dole instead. Aye, I know “dole” doesn’t officially exist anymore but there’s no point in dressing things up. Losing the disability element in their benefits won’t help anybody with a mental illness; on the contrary, they’ll become worse off and consequently have more financial stresses on top of all the other fears and anxieties that made them unfit for work in the first place.

All the stuff I write here is subject to change according to my mood. I might go to bed tonight, wake up in the small hours, decide it’s all shite and delete everything. I’ve had more forums and websites than I could possibly remember, and every time it’s occurred to me at some point that nobody is interested in any of the rubbish I write, at which point it all gets scrapped – only for the whole process to start again a few weeks later.

So, if you’ve just dropped by for a quick read (in which case thanks and I love you), and think you might want to have another look in the future because you or somebody you care for or support is having a crisis, the best thing is to copy this post and save it somewhere. It might not be here tomorrow.

x